My 31st Birthday Present: Facing My Attacker & Walking Into Light!

“You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” -Psalm 18: 28

Kit Evans facing her attacker

Today is my birthday. I turn 31!

As a birthday gift to myself and my family I decided to face my attacker and consciously work to walk into the light.

Five years ago I was cut with a butcher knife, stripped of my clothing, strangled, and robbed as a stranger whom I did not know, attempted to rape me.

The police caught him.  I and another lady testified a year later and he received 46 years in prison.

Five years ago I also lived in one of the most beautiful places in the world.  I lived in the island nation of St. Kitts and Nevis.

The beautiful Caribbean Sea, palm trees, the sounds of Kittitian dialect, rays of golden yellow sunshine, laughs, and hikes full of delightful high-pitched chirps from 2 feet tall monkey’s.  These make me smile.

Over the years, as I have worked to heal past my assault and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I have wondered what happened to the man that for whatever reason hurt me and also raped other women.

I have also wondered about all of the beautiful people I met that became family to me in St. Kitts.

Two months ago I decided instead of wondering, why not go back and visit?

No one is going to hurt me and God will never put more on me than I can bear.

Psychologically sometimes the mind tries to create fear that is very deceiving.  Trauma can manifest itself in bad dreams, hallucinations, not being able to breathe properly, fear, fear, anxiety, anxiety, depression, and more.

But, the devil really is a liar.  We do not have to live a life fearing our past and holding on to what someone has done to us. With God all things are possible.

I go back to St. Kitts next week. Not just to face my trauma and the man who assaulted me, but to move forward walking into the light.

Though my assault and trauma left a grayish, black covering over my St. Kitts experience, there is still so much light that I consciously have to allow to shine through.

I’ll be visiting St. Kitts because I know the sun that shines so brightly literally and also through people on the island is what I need to keep with me moving forward healthily.

It is also what I need to have to share with my future children.

I will not hold onto this darkness. I will not even hold on to my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

For my 31st birthday I am consciously walking into the light.

God Bless You!

“For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light.” – Psalm 36: 9 (NIV)

Hope Writer: Argrow “Kit” Evans

NOTE: This is a repost of Kit’s article published in her blog Testimonies of Hope and was used with her permission.


About Kit Evans

Argrow Kitnequa “Kit” Evans has multiple degrees, traveled the world, and worked with several organizations.

She learned that these achievements are nothing if she wasn’t blessing other people. She founded “Testimonies of Hope: The Intercultural Christian Devotional Website” to highlight how people attained hope in Jesus Christ despite the bad experiences they went through.

Kit says: “Over the last 17 years I have watched, studied, and served; learning that violence can be prevented and healing from trauma is a journey, but possible.“


Had He Ever Lived?

Had our brother, Ivan ever lived?

In our memories perhaps…  Thinking of our brotherly fellowship, helping him grow, sharing and supporting his dreams, listening to his good singing voice, arguing, fighting, reconciling, forgiving, thoughtfulness, and knowing his struggles and frailties, we can say that our brother, Ivan, indeed had lived.

Memories will forever remind us of his existence, but for how long?  Memories fade!

Still had he ever lived?

If I could turn back time during whenever I’m clean, I thank the Father above because when I yearn for something more in my life but I cannot identify what it may be, I know you are the answer” Ivan wrote on his short journal dated November 22, 2009.

He continued to write: You renew my spirit so that I am aware of You and aware of myself as whole and holy person—spirit, mind, and body.  As I commune with You in prayer and as I observe Your presence everywhere my spirit is renewed.  The renewal of my spirit enriches my mind and body.  I am wise and healthy, strong and SECURE.  Ivan.

So with his life filled with purpose he became a good friend, perhaps to everyone, if time had been generous.  He was a passionate leader…even if it means taking risks and compromises. 

He was a soul with an inner struggle striving to go somewhere.  He was a person who grew up with faith in God, patience and perseverance—to win the test of time but his inner struggles would often overpower him like a dark cloud enveloping his being.  Through all these…Ivan had indeed lived!

And his early death surprised us and his friends.  It was so sudden, so unexpected.  We were all praying and waiting for God’s miracle on him.  He was still at his prime when he died; his life a great loss?

Now think had he ever lived?

Ivan was in a moment in the hearts of those who knew him.  We mourned his passing, expressed our moment of sorrow, our bereavement for the loss of a friend, a brother, a son. 

Yes, in a moment he had lived.  He was in a moment amidst us and little did we know of his understanding of life.  “Returning to the simple truth of my divine nature, I appreciate life anew” – this was Ivan’s opening statement he mentioned in his December 10, 2009 reflections.

This was his last entry on the short life journal that we found among his things.  Reading through his reflections gives great comfort and assurance to us that after all that he had gone through,  he is holding on to his faith in God.

Ivan’s complete December 10, 2009 journal entry says: 

After two days of joyous celebrations, I still survived the obstacles and hindrances that came.  As I quiet my mind, I become aware of the here and now moment.  I breathe deeply relaxing as I exhale.  Then, I smile, enjoying the miracle of being alive.  I appreciate the new surroundings taking in every vibrant sight and sound.

I enjoy consciously being a part of life, instead of being distracted by mind’s endless list of things to do.  For now, breathing and smiling are the only things on my “to do” list.  In these moments of renewal, simply being alive with the spirit of God is enough.  I pause now, aware of my nature as a living, breathing child of God, and I smile as I enjoy life at the purest level of being.  Ivan.

AFTERTHOUGHTS

For those who don’t know, Ivan had epilepsy.  We learned that he had it when he was nine years old.  Despite his illness, he tried to live a normal life.  He finished AB History and Public Administration at Central Philippine University. 

He was active in sports.  He was a high school varsity athlete in the long distance running event.  He joined the college soccer, softball, and basketball teams.  He had skills in organizing events, like sports and camping. 

He could cook for a large group.  He had a good singing voice and he could enthrall one’s feelings by the way he sang.

Ivan had his last pause on the evening of June 22, 2010 at the beach of Concepcion, Iloilo, Philippines. 

There is no doubt that he had lived indeed and he is now smiling and enjoying life at the purest level of being.  ‘Til we meet again, Bro.